Worried it’s getting out of control?
People are often ashamed and embarrassed to admit that they are having problems with gambling, or they may not even acknowledge it themselves. Often it’s the people around them who notice changes in their behaviour or manner.
You may have observed that someone close to you:
- Is spending more time at gambling venues
- Talks about gambling more, especially wins
- Has less money or other financial difficulties
- Is less involved in other social activities and favourite pastimes
- May seem stressed, unhappy, agitated or moody
- Is absent from home or work without explanation
They may be starting to become concerned about their gambling. Or they may not have even realised that their gambling has changed or is having a negative effect on their life or on the lives of other people. Either way, keep in mind that the situation may not develop into a more severe problem. Most people who gamble in this way are able to cut back and control their gambling.
Family and friends can find it very hard to understand what is happening. You might wish that they would just stop and it can be frustrating when they keep gambling. Perhaps you find gambling boring or a waste of money and wonder how someone could get so caught up in it. While you disagree with their choice of gambling as a recreational activity and it might be true that gambling has become a more important activity in their life, it might not be what has caused them to act differently.
However, it may be that the gambling is causing them to be unhappy and stressed. They are likely to feel embarrassed about what is happening. Tapping into this and asking them about those feelings can be a good starting point.
Gambling may also start to affect you and your relationship with the person who is gambling:
- Finances can become strained
- They may be less available for family or social activities, or distracted when they are there
- You may be finding it hard to be around someone who is unhappy or stressed
- You have more arguments
- You may find yourself feeling upset and resentful about what is happening
You can help at this time by making sure that the person has some place to talk without fear of being judged:
- Try not to panic, this behaviour does not necessarily mean they will go on to develop a more serious problem.
- Don’t tell them you think they have a problem or be judgemental, confrontational or accusing. The natural response to this approach is to be defensive.
- Instead, talk gently about your concerns about their gambling and help them review gambling and its consequences.
- Let them know how you see the gambling affecting their life and the people around them.
- Gambling can often be an escape from other life problems. Think about whether your family member or friend is dealing with other issues.
- Ask them about how life is for them at the moment. Are they feeling well? Are they down or stressed? Are they coping with any other life problems?
- Remember that it can be hard for people to talk about problems, so go easy.
- Ask them what they plan to do.
- Ask if you can help, but be clear about the support you are able to offer. e.g. listening, encouraging, doing other things with them. It doesn't mean taking responsibility for them or their actions.
- Suggest that there are places they can get help and information. (see Resources page, Gambler’s Help contact details page and the Problem Gambling Victoria website.)
- Don’t “bail them out” by lending money – it’s not helpful in the long run.
- Try not to impose your way of coping with things on them.
- Plan to spend time with them away from gambling venues.
It can be hard for family members and friends to provide this type of support, especially if the gambling is affecting them directly. You may be too upset or angry. If this is the case talk to someone – for instance, a friend, family member, or a counsellor. You need to be able to vent your feelings and also be supported yourself.
For more information:
Freedman, Drebing & Krebs (2000). Don’t Leave it to Chance: A Guide for Families of Problem Gamblers. New Harbinger Publications
