Think it's a problem?
Talk about it
The best way to find out if someone has a gambling problem is to ask. You can’t predict how they will react, but you can let them know you’re asking because you care about them. Try to discuss this in an honest and non-confronting way.
It may help to talk about what you have noticed and how you feel:
"You seem worried and you’re spending a lot more time at the club";
"I’m worried that you may be having problems with gambling".
Some problem gamblers may be relieved to talk about their gambling; others may feel so ashamed and guilty that they are unable to talk about it. Some may get very angry or deny that they have a problem.
- Even if they deny they have a problem you can provide them with information about where to get help.
- It’s important to protect yourself financially and emotionally from any harm caused by problem gambling.
- Try and keep the lines of communication open and focused on the problem.
- If you find the discussions become angry or hurtful, or go round in circles, take a break and agree on another time to talk about it.
(For more information see Resources page, Gambler’s Help contact details page and the Problem Gambling Victoria website.)
How can I help?
Remember these key points:
- You cannot force your family member or friend to stop gambling.
- You cannot force them to acknowledge that that they have a problem, but you can tell them about the negative effect their gambling is having on you.
- You are not to blame for their behaviour.
- The gambling is the problem, not the person.
- No matter what you say or do, the only person who can stop gambling is the gambler themselves. If controlling it were easy, then gambling would probably not have become a problem.
Keep the lines of communication open
It is important to talk with the person who is gambling in a way that encourages good communication.
Tips for a successful approach:
- Don’t become involved in arguments about gambling. People often respond by getting defensive.
- Be firm but express your concerns positively. Telling the person what to do, or saying things like “you should” will probably not help.
- Help the gambler to follow through with plans to stop. If they want to avoid tempting situations like going to a club or hotel with pokies or a TAB, suggest other things you can enjoy together, like the movies or a restaurant.
- Be around and be available. It is important for them to know that someone is there to talk to and share the experience of not gambling, as well as to congratulate successes and note positive changes.
- Give them responsibility. Encourage them to take responsibility for dealing with their issues in a way that best suits them.
Counselling
Once your have talked to the person, it’s important to remember that overcoming the problem will take time. It may help to encourage them to seek professional help.
- Expect things may not go to plan. Slip-ups occur while trying to stop gambling. This can make the person aware of what triggers their gambling and help them to work out new tactics to manage it.
- Provide support, understanding and encouragement. Most gamblers make several attempts before they stop completely. Some will possibly make contact with a problem gambling service but not show up or only go once or twice.
Develop an action plan
Returning to gambling is a common problem for people trying to stop, so it can be useful to have a plan which will help keep them headed in the right direction:
- If they ask you to a meeting with a counsellor, go along if you can.
- Encourage them to talk openly with you.
- Agree to talk about gambling lapses so triggers that lead to them are understood and can be handled in the future.
- If they set out a budget and ask for help sticking to it, support them.
- Consider talking to other members of the family so that you can support each other.
- Take steps to protect your family’s assets and income – get some professional advice about how to do this.
- If you feel safe to do so, you may choose to let them know how their gambling has affected you.
- And most importantly: Look after yourself. It’s hard to help another person if you’re not taking care of yourself. Keep up your friendships, interests and hobbies.
Should I give money or not?
One of the decisions you may face is whether to give or lend money to the person:
- Lending money on a regular basis can cause you to feel angry, resentful and harm your relationship.
- The money you give them may simply let them gamble more.
- Lending money can provide some immediate relief to you, but it’s likely they will ask again and again until you set firm limits or boundaries.
'It's very difficult. I often wonder "Why me?" I have to control all the finances and juggle a full-time job and the kids. It's so much pressure. The gambling is like a third person in the marriage. I never know if he is gambling so it creates a lot of anxiety. It affects my own self-esteem too. I just have to try and keep going...'
You can respond to difficult requests for financial or emotional bailouts with an answer that contains these messages:
- I care about you and I don't want you to suffer.
- I’m saying no for my own good.
Source: New Focus Research 2003, Stage 1 Report: the Experiences of Problem Gamblers, their Families and Service Providers, Gambling Research Panel: Melbourne.
How do I protect myself and others?
In most cases, people who have a gambling problem have difficulty handling money when there are opportunities to gamble. Rather than just hoping that they can be trusted, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and the people around you. It’s important to protect yourself financially and emotionally from harm.
Steps to financial security:
- Take control of finances.
- Organise direct debits for bills, mortgages and regular debits.
- Limit access to cash.
- Budget and allow each member of the family some spending money, including the person who is gambling.
- Avoid inheriting the gambler’s debt through joint accounts.
- Get professional advice. A Gambler’s Help financial counsellor is free, can explain your options and contact your creditors to ensure that they don’t harass you. They can also assist you to avoid a bad credit history, if you have joint credit, loans and so on.
- Check the mail.
- Keep good records or a diary of all finances, including assets, income, expenses, contributions and gifts.
- Photocopy and keep in a safe place copies of all important documents such as house titles, marriage and birth certificates, tax file numbers etc.
- Don’t sign anything you don’t understand or are not prepared to pay for.
- Encourage the gambler to make a note on their credit listing with Credit Advantage Ltd saying that they want no further credit.
- Don’t lend eftpos or credit cards or share ‘pin’ numbers or leave that information where it can be found.
Children and problem gambling
Apart from the obvious financial difficulties, children may feel confused by their parents’ or carers’ change in behaviour. They may also feel abandoned, angry and depressed by what is happening at home. Dealing with the issues and offering support is the best way to ensure the emotional development of children.
- Encourage children to talk freely about their feelings.
- Assure them that they are not to blame or responsible in any way.
- Try to keep them involved in family activities.
- Try not to over-involve them in problem-solving to do with gambling.
- Explain that their family may need to budget but that they’ll be OK.
- Don’t bail-out the gambler financially, however, you may be able to help children directly eg. by paying for school excursions, clothes, outings.
- Don’t run-down the gambler to children – it can confuse them. Separate the person from the behaviour. The behaviour is a problem but the person is not bad.
- Ensure children that they do not have to keep secrets and they should never be expected to keep “bad secrets”.
Do I need professional help?
It’s important to protect yourself financially and emotionally from any harm that may arise from problem gambling:
- You have the right to feel safe and emotionally and financially secure.
- If taking action puts your safety at risk you may need professional help.
You may need to put some emotional and physical distance between yourself and the gambler. You may need to stop or change your relationship with them. It might only be for a short time or it might be permanent.
If you are starting to feel overwhelmed by sadness, anxiety or anger then getting some professional help may be a good idea. Talking to a professional who understands problem gambling will help you regain perspective and look at your options.
Counselling and self-help groups can assist you in making decisions about your relationship. Tell someone you trust about what’s happening. This isn’t about breaking the gambler’s privacy, but about building support for yourself. If there is a breakdown in communication between the two of you, you may find relationship counselling and mediation a safer way to discuss the situation.
Crisis support
In some cases people may face situations that are abusive, frightening or out of control. There are many forms of family violence and controlling behaviour. Remember you have the right to feel safe and respected at all times.
If you or someone you know is experiencing physical, emotional, financial or any other form of violence, Gambler’s Help services can assist. See the Contact Information, Resources and Life Issues pages form more information.
Legal and financial help
If your financial security is tied to someone with a gambling problem then it’s important that you protect yourself and your family.
Seek legal and financial information early, before the situation gets out of control.
Knowledge and information is useful. You don’t have to feel disloyal and it doesn’t mean that your relationship is over. You have a right to protect personal and family assets when problem gambling is putting them at risk.
A Gambler’s Help financial counsellor can help you to:
- clarify your financial situation
- negotiate with creditors
- explore money management strategies
- identify who is responsible for each debt
A lawyer can help with:
- asset protection (regardless of whether you choose to stay or leave the relationship)
- transfers, caveats, separating your assets, reviewing your will and other legal processes
- family law regarding separation and the use of intervention orders where safety is an issue
Frequently asked questions include:
- How do I protect assets that are in both names?
- Can I find out how much my partner is in debt?
- Am I responsible for my partner’s debts?
- What if I do protect my assets and my partner becomes violent?
- How do I protect the family home?
- Can I prevent my partner from obtaining more credit?
- What questions do I need to ask a solicitor or legal person?
- If I seek legal or financial advice, will I be making the situation worse?
The answers to these questions will depend on your individual situation. It’s advisable to speak to a financial counsellor and/or a lawyer about these concerns.
Sourced from/based on:
“Does someone you care about have a gambling problem? Here’s how you can help – Advice for Family and Friends” – State Government of Victoria.)
