Strategies for the non-gambling family member or friend

• Protect and care for yourself. Find someone to talk to, for example a friend, counsellor or help service.
• It is normal to feel betrayed by your friend, family member or partner. You have a right to your feelings.
• It is normal to be angry. Acknowledge your anger, talk to someone and learn appropriate ways to express your anger.
• Don’t try to take control of the gambler’s life – it won’t work and will make you unhappy.
• Relate to the gambler as an equal person. Avoid trying to protect them.
• Use your energy to help change your own situation rather than the gambler’s.
• Allow the gambler to take responsibility for their behaviour.
• Be honest and let the gambler deal with the consequences of their behaviour.
• Let them deal with creditors and their employer. You do not need to help them with lies and deceit.
• Decide if you can manage the gambler’s money. If you do not want to, you may need to maintain separate bank accounts and credit cards.
• Do not lend the gambler money!
• Do not pay the gambler’s debts!
• Seek legal, financial and other advice to explore your options.
• Communicate your feelings to the person who is gambling. Do this carefully and openly.
• Let the gambler know you want to help. They may be feeling out of control, embarrassed or ashamed. You can convey a willingness to support them.
• It is important for you to support them in their struggle, not to take their burden on yourself. You may choose to say “I can’t do this for you, but I will be with you while you do it.”

You cannot change the gambler’s behaviour – they have to be willing to change themselves.

As a person without a problem, you can’t understand why the person with the gambling problem doesn’t just stop. They are like a run-away train. You try many ways to stop them but a run-away train is impractical and impossible to stop. Just as you cannot stop a run-away train, you cannot control the gambler’s behaviour.

You need to focus away from their behaviour and deal with your own feelings. This will help you to see the gambler as a person in crisis and out of control. This will then allow you to be supportive and to understand their feelings, and yet not apply pressure about their behaviour.

Gradual steps to change

Quite often family members and friends are ready for the gambling behaviour to change while the person that gambles is not. This can lead to conflict and stress for all involved. Identifying where the person is up to within the change process can be a useful strategy to use in deciding how to approach the issue. You can think about change as a staged process:

 

Stage of change	What you can do
Precontemplation: the person does not see that there is a problem	Discuss how their gambling behaviour  impacts on you. Be prepared as they may be unwilling to stop. Focus on looking after yourself and putting in boundaries around acceptable behaviour. Protect your family’s assets and income.
Contemplation: the person is beginning to consider the need for change. However, they are unsure of whether they want to change	Discuss the impact of gambling with the person. You can have a conversation about change but be careful to avoid pushing them into it. As tempting as this may feel, if you do this it may alienate them.
Determination: the person is open to change and willing to seek what resources are available to make change	Allow the person to research what assistance is available. Provide encouragement and offer support.
Action: the person actively makes changes, for example, they have stopped or cut down their gambling	Ask the person what support they would like from you. Know your limits of how much you can assist them.
Maintenance: the person has been able to maintain behaviour change for a significant period of time	Some people may experience relief and happiness at this point. Others may feel residual anger and hurt. If you feel comfortable, you can speak to the person about your feelings or you can seek professional help.
Slips and relapse: the person falls back into gambling behaviour. This may be a one off (slip) or a return to previous levels of gambling. Maintenance: the person has been able to maintain behaviour change for a significant period of time	Understand where the person is at so you can choose an appropriate response. Recognise that slips and relapses are a normal part of the changing process.

 

It might help to hear other peoples stories, and how they dealt with their partners gambling.

Dianne tells her very real and very personal account of her husband’s gambling problem, and how with the assistance of Gambler’s Help.

Robert, tells his story of how he discovered his wife had been gambling, and how, with the help of counselling they were able to overcome the problem and repair the damage gambling had done to their family. 

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