Dianne’s Story

It was good to read that your family has been helped. I am also married to a problem gambler..I still love him & I know he loves me & the kids but that's why it's so hard to understand why his destructive behaviour continues.

His behaviours are far more insidious than Dianne's story as I have always known that he enjoyed a 'bet' & when I first met him it seemed like a harmless past-time, something that he enjoyed & had a bit of entertainment with. After we were first married and our first baby arrived, I began to feel that money he gambled could have been far better spent on other things especially as I was no longer working fulltime. But he, and I suppose I rationalised the spending.

He had his allowance & could spend it as he chose & I could spend mine as I chose. Over time we would have a second & third child. His problem I have realised is deeply ingrained, it's a behaviour that was normal to him growing up & him being at the TAB is somewhat of a laugh to his family.....he would more & more often spend more time and more than he could afford & then have none of his allowance for other things. "Can I loan some money? I'll pay you back next week from my allowance." This is a question I've been asked more times than I'd like to remember. "I'll pay it back from my allowance next pay", which he does and then promptly 'loans' it again.

He always 'owes' me money. I also found out he was taking occasional amounts of money from the kids bank accounts. It was when I was pregnant with our third child that I first became aware of how bad his gambling had become. He had been heading out more often & binge drinking also. A few times he had taken out the eftpos card on our joint account & spent money meant for our loans or bills.

When I was very pregnant, he arrived home early one evening with a good friend after an afternoon & took me aside & asked if he could have a bit more money as he wanted to go back out again for a bit longer but had no money left. I said no and that I felt he'd probably already had a good day..he got aggressive, he was verbally abusive and it was the first time in my life I had ever felt physically threatened & with much remorse i caved in an handed over the money.

I felt very vunerable, an overwhelming sense of helplessness & cried myself to sleep. The next day of course he was very sorry for what had happened and promised it would never happen again. Well the threat of physical violence has never happened again & we have certainly had words at times since but I was only just at the tip of the iceberg with the gambling issues. Again before our third baby arrived there was a 'night out with the boys' which resulted in our bank account being emptied and no money left to pay our home loan that week.

I had to ask my Mum for money and explained it away as an unexpected bill that we didn't have the money for. I told my husband that I would never again be put into a situation to have to ask my family for money. He agreed that his bank accounts be closed & that i was only to have accounts in my name, he would be unable to access the kids accounts & i would have full control over our budget & trying to get us ahead financially.

This seemed to work for a while, our third baby arrived, I was working part time, he seemed to be going along well at work, had been given a raise & more responsibility & all seemed to be ok. He was still having nights out but there had been very few requests for extra money. It was around this time that there was a letter from another bank arrive in his name and I questioned him about it. He had opened up a credit card account. He showed me the statement, it had a very small limit & explained it as being very handy for him as it was convenient for buying things online, tickets to the footy or booking something for the two of us.

The problem gambler is a very deceitful person as I have discovered time & time again. I swallowed this hook, line & sinker - convincing myself that this was a good opportunity for him to show he could manage his own finances. He would proudly tell me that the card was always paid on time and after my initial concern it seemed to be an ok thing.

His behaviour was slowly changing & I probably should have taken more notice, asked more questions (as I often asked in the past about his gambling isssues) but as I was receiving the regular amount of money into the account, plus my own wages, all was up to date, we had even done up a few things at home, so I put his moody & more distant behaviour down to work pressures which he had confirmed.

But there had been numerous nights out where he wasn't getting home till the next morning. He always had a story, i just got caught up, met up with so & so, lost track of time. I questioned if there was someone else (which I didn't really think there was) & also questioned about gamlbling, how much was he spending - always still assuring things were under control. One morning he rang, he hadn't been home, he told me he'd done a terrible thing, he'd used his work key to get in during night & had taken money to keep his night out going. He'd have to pay it back or he'd lose his job. He said he was too ashamed to come home, I told him we'd sort it out.

$600 later and a Sunday trip into work to pay back the money before anyone noticed it was gone. Apology after apology followed, he'd never do it again. Well it happened again & again. The plan was he's meant to give me the key but the sneaky gambler always lurking there thinks he'll be able to control the urge. At this stage I still wasn't fully aware of the problem. I knew he was betting too much on races & these times of taking money from work had happened on nights out when I was told he was shouting drinks for people, getting taxi's, even loaning money to others, along with betting too much.

He was 'loaning' money again from me all the time, which is just a lose/lose situation. He was also getting very defensive about any talk of money. It was one night nearly 2 years ago that he got home about 5am & spilled all the beans. It was at the end of yet another night out, he came in crying that he'd done it yet again, stolen money from work $700 this time. I start back, "how can you keep doing this? I'm doing extra work to try & get ahead & you just keep doing this. You told me you left the key. What the hell have you been doing. I can't keep doing this. It's stealing!".

Then he says, it's not the worst of it. I've got 2 credit cards maxxed out totalling $25000, I'm addicted to poker machines, that's mostly where the money has gone. I couldn't believe it - it came as a complete shock to me, to my knowledge, he'd played the machines only a handful of times in the time that I'd known him & had often said he didn't like that form of gambling.

I've read up on enabling which is I suppose what I've done but as the spouse of an addict what else can i do? By not helping I risk our way of life, our life as we know it, the kids would suffer more, but by helping I also know I'm giving him a bail-out, it's a vicious cycle but I'm intrinsically involved either way. Since that mess was revealed we had to take out a loan to pay off the cards, the interest was huge especially as most of the money racked up was from cash advances. It has of course meant an ongoing extra weekly debt.

The problem has not gone away, there have still been numerous relapses. The latest over just this past weekend, he had a mini meltdown & let me know last night that he'd done it again. We are again in a very bad spot & the next month is going to be very hard for us financially - we start again, will he really follow through with what he says this time, he's rung Gamblers Help again & spoken with someone, I hope he can follow through with some more help this time. I hope he can. I have learnt (to a degree, although it's very hard at times) to separate him from his problem otherwise I'd constantly be peeved with him, it's like a horrible beast hiding within him wreaking havoc when it gets out.

It is very hard to remain positive at times, we have again been through all the words, he is again sorry, I again feel betrayed, told him he is robbing us all of a really great future instead of just eeking out an existence, pointing out that the kids are now getting to an age where they'll notice & will start to resent him, he says we'll work it out, hopefully we will. He sounds quite terrible when I read this back, but he's a very lovable character, that's what makes it so hard too - the potential is so great.

This is an excellent dialogue on behalf of Dianne and encompasses the distress the partner feels so well. As a wife of a problem gambler who has just relapsed again, it is god to see someone putting out there the impact of gamblers on their loved ones. It is nothing short of devastating and demeaning.

Ive suspecteed my partner is online gambling. i approached him and he denyed it. I've opened a bank statement without his permission and there is proof he has been. Do i tell him i've read and opened the statement? He was extreemly defensive when i asked him about gambling and told me it was none of my buisness. He's reapeatedly denyed it. What do i do?

Hi Sir

I just want to know can a family member say wife to apply for stopping her husband gambling. If she does so, shall the casino ban her husband gambling. I do not know if there are regulations or rules in this aspect.

I am keen to know this if you can reply me.

Many thanks

Peter